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Go to New York City. One of the ashtrays there has a small cellphone underneath the sand. When you find this cellphone, look in the stored numbers. There will only be one. Call it and wait for the answering machine. The Latin names of 17 different species of turtle will be listed. You must memorize these names and assign numbers to each letter of each name according to their position in the alphabet. You then must add each name together in number form and divide it by half the amount of black people currently in Aspen. The number you come up with is the passcode. Enter the digits into your phone. You only have one shot at this and only a window of 5 minutes to do it in. If you get it wrong, you will die of suicide, but if you get the passcode right, a man will pick up. He will tell you where to meet him. It will always be a different place, so don't get cocky on your first try and think you can skip the first sections and just go to this same secret meeting place. If you do, your penis will be ripped off and sewn back on upside down while you sleep. When you get to the secret meeting place, you will not see the man, but he will see you. He will appear behind you and hand you a notebook that contains lists of various you just lost the game and I am hiding it in this wall of text.

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